Dad Jokes in celebration of Fathers day!

IN THE CAR
When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!'...
When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there!'...
When driving past a cemetery, 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'...
When driving past some black and white cows, 'Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!'...
'Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'...
When there is a slow driver in the way, 'Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?'...
When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good.'...
When driving past a woman. 'Marks out of ten? I'd give her one!'...
When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.'...
When driving past someone washing their car, 'you can do mine next, if you want!'...
When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside..."The rocks you see before you are 26 million years old...""Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."

IN THE HOUSE
'Pull my finger!'...
If someone coughs, "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in"....
When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please" - the reply from Dad will be to lock you in a bear hug and shout "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME"....
Before retiring to the bathroom for a 'number two', 'give the sewage plant a ring...let them know there's one on its way!'...
'Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad'....
'I'm proud of you son, I'm a wit, but you're still only half as good as me!'...
'I´m off' ... 'I wondered what the smell was!'...
After you are struggling with something for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?" You say yes and then he starts a slow clap....
When phone ringing Dad says 'If it's for me don't answer it.' ...
Me: I'm thirsty.Dad: Hi, I'm Friday!...
Me: I'm hungry.Dad: I'm Germany, pleased to meet you....
Me: It's going to a cold night tonight.Dad: Yes, and a dark one too....
After watching you fall over: "Have a nice trip!"...
When an attractive woman appears on TV, 'Ah, She's got a nice set of.....teeth!'...
Mum asks Dad to 'put the kettle on' and Dad replies 'I don't think it will fit!'...
'Put the cat out' ... 'I didn't realise it was on fire'...
Answers the phone by saying 'Hello, Statue?'...
AT THE RESTAURANT
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Sack the juggler!"...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Taxi!"...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "It wasn't me!"...
Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads - "It must have been going pretty fast when it hit that wall!"....
'I'll be your waiter tonight' ... 'I'll be your customer!'...
At the Greek Restaurant, the waiter hands your Dad the menu, and he says. 'Can you recommend something. This menu's all greek to me.'...
When the waiter mentions on of the specials tonight is chicken, Dad says 'none for me its foul!'...
When being offered a hot towel in a Chinese restaurant, Dad says 'No thank you, I'm full!'...
Trying to order soup in a basket....
Mentioning to the waiter that, 'I'm on a special seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
AT THE DINNER TABLE
When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you....
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'...
Me: I feel like a sandwichDad: Funny, you don't look like one.......
When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room....
"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?"...
After a large meal Dad says, "Well that was nice, what's for dinner?"...
Me: Please may I leave the table? Dad: And where are you going to leave it? ...
After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Me: Is it Wednesday today?Dad: All day......
Little Boy: Dad, can you put my shirt on?Dad: No, it doesn't fit me....
Me Shall I put the kettle on?Dad: You think it will suit you?...
When rubbing your eye Dad: What's up?"Me: "There's something in my eye"Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"...
Me: Can you make me a cup of coffee/tea?Dad: Waves his hands over your head and says 'Poof! You are now a cup of coffee/tea!'...
Me: Where's the bin?Dad: I haven't been anywhere!...
Me: How Long's Dinner?Dad: ... about 9 inches.....
Me: Hi there, is Monica around?Dad: No, she's more of an oblong shape......
Me: What's on the TV?Dad: Just some dust....
Me: Can I have 50 bucks?Dad: Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?...
Me: How is that water?Dad: Wet....
Me: Can I watch the TV?Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.

FART GAGS
Dad farts and says, 'speak up Mr Brown, you're through.'...
Dad farts and says, 'Better out than in'...
Dad farts and says, 'Phew - I'm glad I'm up-wind of that one'...
Dad farts and says, 'Ooops, I think I've had a slippage'...
'Pull my finger!'